My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
