I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
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DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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