Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
