I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
