whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
