saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
