yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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