im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
