genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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