I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
