don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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