If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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