She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!