And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
