Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
