When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
