today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
