I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
