I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.