I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh