yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
