Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
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THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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