Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
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We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize