Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
