Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
