everyone is single if you try hard enough
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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