Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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