drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
