good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Come on in and take your pants off
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