She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
