This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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