I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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