Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Randomize
