I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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