So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
