hotel room ftw
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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