He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
