I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
