He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
