I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
