I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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