Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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