im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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