I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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