Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Are my feet made of real feet?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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