I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
