Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
