so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
