Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
