I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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