Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
