I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
