Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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