i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Dicks are not precious.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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