Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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