Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
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