I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Quick, to the slutcave!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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