just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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