remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
